How to tell if you’re “Emergent.”

I found the following list on another blog along with additions by those leaving comments to the original post. They were so poignant that I chose to post them here for the readers of Reformation Nation but I only had 29. So I added number 30 myself to round out the list. Enjoy!

The top 30 signs that you might be an Emergent:

30. Your church has replaced the pulpit with a bar stool.

29. You once read a good story about some Jewish people and a cross.

28. You engineer every conversation so you are able to use the phrase, “you can’t put god in a box,” and laugh like you’ve said the funniest thing in the word.

27. You make everyone define everything before you begin a conversation. Since this takes forever you never really have a conversation.

26. You think hell is a construct somewhere in Tennessee.

25. You think everything is a metaphor for something else.

24. When you hear the word “Orthodox” all you think about is the great food at the Greek Festival every year.

23. You think “Patristics” is a new brand of snack food.

22. Church history started when your pastor was born.

21. The only Creed you know is a once-popular musical act.

20. You only curse around fundamentalists.

19. You leave your church because the sermon was not obscure enough.

18. You refer to your local assembly as “church,” “synagogue,” or “mosque” depending on who you are talking to.

17. Your blog is a rant about how everyone else rants too much.

16. You brag that you have never been pinned down theologically on any issue.

15. The only thing you are sure of is that others cannot be sure of anything.

14. You bring your own wine to communion.

13. You are offended when someone says they are going to “Preach the Gospel” or “Teach the truth” believing they should just “Tell a story.”

12. Instead of a tract, you carry a can of Play-doh in your back pocket.

11. Your website links to Green Peace and the Democratic National Convention just because conservatives are against it.

10. You start a Christian blog, but leave it blank, fearing that you might offend someone.

9. You are not any good at art, yet you continue to present the Gospel by painting stick figures on recycled paper.

8. When you present the Gospel, Heaven is renamed The Matrix and you call Christ Neo.

7. Your church caters from Whole Foods.

6. Every sermon illustration begins with “The other night I was drinking a beer and . . .”.

5. You have yet to read the book of Romans believing Paul was too modern in his thinking.

4. Your car has a bumper sticker that reads “I think my boss is a Jewish carpenter but I can’t know for certain.”

3. You don’t worship on Sundays because everyone else does.

2. You evaluate truth by asking how many people hold to it. If it is too popular, then it is wrong.

1. When someone calls out your name you get angry saying, “Don’t label me.”

HT: Parchment and Pen via Sicarii

Also check out How to tell if you’re seeker-friendly and How to Tell if You’re Word of Faith.

14 thoughts on “How to tell if you’re “Emergent.”

  1. I’ve been invited to speak at Teen Mania in Garden Valley, TX, wednesday night on the topic of emergent theology. I would love to use a few of these in the message.



  2. ROFL!

    That’s my MnM guy! I’d recognize those white as snow legs in sandals anywhere!

    (But may I emphatically state I’M NOT EMERGENT!)

    Thanks again for all your hard work on this blog!


  3. Humorous, yet sad!

    “The prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests bear rule by their means; and my people love to have it so: and what will ye do in the end thereof?”
    (Jeremiah 5:31)

    Caeci caecos ducentes – Blind are led by the blind!

    Flavious MacTavious


  4. Mike: I’m sure whoever came up with those will have no problem with you using them.

    Berry: I was wondering where I got that. I’ve had that M&M pic for a long time now and have just been waiting for the perfect post to use it. I couldn’t remember where I found it . . .now I know. Oh, and thanks for not threatening to sick your lawyers on me for using it. :o)

    Now if only a few of you witty folks out there can come up with the top ten (or 20 or 50) for the following:

    How to tell if you’re “Seeker-Friendly”
    How to tell if you’re “Word of Faith”

    I’m sure those would be a riot!

    – The Pilgrim


  5. I’d love to have a go at the “Word of Faith” folks, but I’m afraid that they’ll just zap me with a word, like, “litigate”. 😉


  6. very clever and witty, I don’t know if I’m ’emergent’ ‘evangelical”’reformed’ or ‘orthodox’,
    but i like the word ’emergent.’

    It brings to my mind a baby struggling out of the womb,
    a man coming out of a dark cave into the light,
    a person coming out of a deep coma, or sleep,
    and waking up into a new life, a new way of seeing the world and relating to life and others. It also makes me think of the proclamation that could have been used in early christian baptismal rituals:

    “Wake up O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ shall enlighten you.”

    (Ephesians 5:14)


  7. Guys,

    I love the website……it has proven to be a massive help to me of late. Im a university student who is having to speak to and warn friends who are dipping in these unbiblical churches and false teachings. However one thing that i just want to throw out there is this: whilst its not wrong to speak out against false teaching and heresies, it is wrong to belittle and mock such people. We are to preach the Word of truth without compromise, however, what are your feelings about making a mockery of them? I quote,

    NIB 1 Peter 3:15 “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,”

    NIB 2 Timothy 2:24-25 “And the Lords servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth,”

    Yes, speak out and preach the truth and warn people of these lies but belittle and mock with the M&Ms? Im not so sure. Just thought id throw this out there!


  8. I appriciate the Biblical point! It is a good one. Personally, I’ve gotten to the point where Paul probably was when he said “As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!” Galatians 5:12. Frustrated with trying it the nice way, and hoping a bit of satire will get some attention. Theology with no nutrional value, thin veneer of Christianity.


  9. Proverbs 19:25 says, “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary…”

    Proverbs 21:11 says, “When the scoffer is punished, the simple is made wise…”

    In 1 Kings 18:27, Elijah mocked the prophets of Baal.

    We are expected to exercise wisdom in how we handle things in this area, and not go to extremes. I don’t think using M&M pictures is approaching an extreme. If someone is acting foolish, we should have the guts to call them fools (as in Psalm 14:1)–not out of anger, but for their own good.



  10. Pardon my saying so, but I really hope someone unsaved is following this and sees us acting respectfully and lovingly even though we disagree. Whaddya think Granto22?


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