Well, I went and did it. I took the plunge and listened to Perry Noble’s message from this past AC/DC Resurrection Sunday. Nah, I wasn’t surprised. Just the kind of ear-ticklingly good pop-psychology pep-talk I expected. With a little bit about Jesus thrown in. Here’s the summary:

• 1st 4 minutes–Talked about American Idol. Not a word about how Satanic music relates to what he is going to talk about.
• Talked about how salvation is “Not a program, or a process, but a person.”
• Tells us how Jesus can make our life exciting and fun this side of eternity…and after we die, too.
• Funny story about Sunday School teacher at NewSpring, and how his kid had to pee at the mall. I kid you not.
• Reads Matthew 7:14-15. Still no mention of how joining the temple of God with idols is relevant to his message.
• Tells funny story about driving around Buckhead (Atlanta) and a traffic cop telling him to get out of the intersection–and how he wanted to “run him over.” I kid you not.
• Displays firm grasp on the obvious by spending about 3 minutes talking about how we’re all going to die.
• Spends about a minute and a half talking about how Hell is real and it’s hot. Misses chance to use Scripture that talks about fire never being quenched and worms never dying, or even the purpose of Hell.
• Mentions how God doesn’t compare us to other people but to Christ. OK, maybe things are looking up.
• Or not. Goes into discussion about popular movies (A Time To Kill, Ransom), and that we’re all bad guys. Includes funny story about his daughter running in to his study and counting to 10. I kid you not.
• Mentions Romans 3:10, 3:23. Misses chance to talk about how we are God’s enemy, about sin, or repentance.
• Talked about how salvation is “Not a program, or a process, but a person.”
• Tells funny story about dead chickens in Kenya. I kid you not.
• Tells us that Jesus left Heaven to come here, asking us “Can you imagine leaving that kind of comfort?” Yeah, comfort. Nothing about Jesus’ perfect communion with God. Nothing about the glory He shared with the Father. It’s all about comfort. I kid you not.
• Tells us that “Jesus came to rescue us and set us free.” Free from what? Hell. O………K. Still no mention of sin. Still no mention of repentance. Still no mention of how rehearsing and performing Hell-glorifying music is supposed to glorify the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
• Talked about how salvation is “Not a program, or a process, but a person.”
• Spends 7 minutes describing the physical aspect of the Passion Week and the crucifixion. No mention of WHY JESUS HAD TO DIE.
• 30:00 until the end (about 20 minutes in all)–invitation, slow music, guilt-laden manipulation, and 300 people “met Jesus.” Still no mention of how rehearsing and performing Hell-glorifying music is supposed to glorify the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

In all, the Lord Jesus Christ merits about 10 minutes out of 50. Hell gets about 90 seconds. The rest of the time is filled with fluff about movies, little girls counting to ten, and kids peeing at the mall–with a couple Bible verses sprinkled here and there. No mention of how our sins grieve the heart of God. No mention of WHY Jesus had to die to rescue us from Hell (Because, you know, it’s all about us). No mention of what is required on our part after we “Know Jesus” (You know, all that repentance and sanctification and holiness stuff we Pharisees are so worried about). No mention of whether they told people, “Yeah, we know we played Satanic music in our service. But that was just to get you in the door. Now that you’re here, don’t listen to it, OK? Yes, that’s right. Do as we say, not as we do. Sin? Ah, don’t worry about it. You know Jesus, you don’t have to worry about all that stuff.”

He had a platform to present the Law, to warn people about WHY we need to be rescued from Hell, to provide chapter and verse from the LIVING WORD OF GOD, and to let the Holy Spirit speak from the word He spoke to the holy men of old. And instead he filled people’s time with a happy little pep talk about movies, kids, and cops.

And Satanic music.