More satire, this time from Sacred Sandwich

I had posted the following on my own blog about a year and a half ago. When you stop to think about it, it is more sad than it is humorous. And that because it is just as relevant now as it was then.

So here, then, is some satire, originally posted by the guys at Sacred Sandwich:


DECEMBER 2006 — Growing bored with the outdated programs at their present church, the Henman family of Peoria, IL, recently hired Lucy Ditmer, a personal shopper, to find them a new church home to meet their spiritual needs. “Between my boy’s hockey games and my girl’s dance classes, I really don’t have the time to go church shopping,” said Helen Henman. “It’s a great relief to know that Lucy can take care of all that. The last thing Phil and I want to do right now is spend every Sunday morning going to strange churches just to see if they have cushioned seating and a proper food court.”

Ditmer, who has over five years experience as a personal shopper at Macy’s, began advertising her church shopping services when she saw a need for busy families who find it difficult to squeeze a religious life into their hectic schedules. “Most churches nowadays have sermons that last from ten minutes to an excruciating half hour,” Lucy explained. “My clients just don’t want to put themselves through that kind of ordeal when all they really want to know is whether the youth program has a Playstation 3. With my service, the clients just give me a checklist of all their felt needs and I do all the dirty work while they’re sleeping in on Sunday morning.”

One of Ditmer’s recent success stories comes from Judith and Bob Nickerson, a pair of sports enthusiasts who were looking for a church that provided for their physical needs as well as their spiritual ones. “Coming from a Methodist background, we were really surprised when Lucy recommended the Beth Israel Synagogue on Fifth Street,“ Judith said. “But we had to admit that it had the state-of-the-art exercise facility we were looking for. After a couple visits, we knew it was the place for us. In fact, we like it so much, Bob is getting circumcised next Thursday.”

As for the Henman family, they are anxious to see what Lucy finds for them. “Being without a church home these past few weeks has really taken a toll on our family,” Mrs. Henman admitted. “Just the other day Phil was dealing with a lot of stress at work and he needed a pastor to show him how Jesus dealt with project deadlines. If Lucy doesn’t hurry up and find us a church soon, we may be forced to open a Bible and look for the answer ourselves.”

8 thoughts on “More satire, this time from Sacred Sandwich

  1. This was good.

    “Most churches nowadays have sermons that last from ten minutes to an excruciating half hour.”

    I love a good laugh.



  2. I’m sorry to say that the satire piece above is moving toward reality at light speed.

    Both my Church’s Pastor and I have given sermons that soccer, etc. are not valid reasons for missing Church or Sunday school. When I gave my (very direct) sermon, I was somewhat concerned because the daughter of a good friend of our family was a frequent absentee for this reason.

    I will emphasize that I did not pull any punches in my message. After Church, I wanted to make sure our congregation (including our friend) received the pointed rebuke in the spirit of Christian love.

    I was flabbergasted to hear the mom say, “Jeff, thank you. Great sermon…” (or something to that effect)

    As my wife and I quietly “poled” the other “soccer moms”, the results were similar. They were fed by the message, and it was clear they had listened… EXCEPT to the (I’ll call it) “soccer mom rebuke”.

    Let me be clear, though, that I’m not picking on soccer. I am using it as an example of the myriad of distractions we put in our lives to keep us from ‘the meeting of the saints’.

    Unfortunately, we are apparently oblivious to rebuke, and the trend is accelerating.

    fourpointer, the satire above scared me…


  3. Jeff,

    Apparently, you and I have similar trains of thought. Yesterday, we began dissecting Philippians 4:8, discussing why we need to always give more weight to “whatever things are pure, whatever things are noble.” Part of my lesson had to do with the fact that two of the reasons that even long-time church members get sucked into false religions like Mormonism is either because they stop going to church (or even scale back their attendance) or their “church” stops teaching truth so as not to “offend” anybody.

    I (and, I dare say, the rest of the DefCon team) applaud the fact that you “don’t pull any punches.” This ain’t a game of patty-cake we’re playing with the enemy. And more people need to understand that.


Tell us what you think:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.